February 19, 2013

Dear Friend,

I am so frickin tired. And I honestly don’t feel well. I am blaming both things on stress. When I am stressed, I don’t sleep well (my brain tends to not want to shut off and I just keep on thinking and thinking) which is why I am tired. Also when I am stressed, my stomach gets worse and better. I know it is confusing, but sometimes my stomach will hurt and I will feel crappy and I can’t eat anything, then my stomach will be fine and I will eat lots of crap that is not good for me because I am stress eating. Then I will be sick again. It is a horrible cycle, but I am trying to get better. Hopefully I will figure out what it up with my stomach. I think it might be Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which if it is, I just have to watch what I eat because there isn’t much you can do about IBS.

So anyways enough about my declining health at the age of 20…

I was just taking a break from studying for my Mythology test tomorrow and read a short fic about Stiles from Teen Wolf getting a tattoo and shenanigans and it made me think about how I want to get a tattoo. Now this is for reals. I want a tattoo really bad, but I can’t get it until I am done with my youth leadership position because it is visible with what I wear for events and it is not appropriate to have a tattoo (at least in they eyes of my youth leaders). So what I want to get is this: It means a lot to me because I love music and music has had a huge impact on how I live my life. In some ways, I think it is one of the few reasons I am still alive today. If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will see I was not in a good place when I began my blog. I was depressed and suicidal. I thought about killing myself almost every day and I just wanted the pain and paranoia to end. But I survived a few months ago and I survived high school. Mostly because music was my saving grace. Anyways, I want to get that tattoo on my left shoulder. I also want to get a tattoo of a little star on my left wrist near the pulse point. I don’t know why, I just do. For right now, those are the only tattoos I want, but I have a feeling I will be getting a few tattoos in my life.

So today was another boring day. I had class and work and almost fell asleep in 3 out of my 4 classes. And I actually tried to go to bed relatively early last night, but my stomach was all ooky and I felt like crap and I couldn’t sleep so I fell asleep around 2 and woke up at 7:30. So now I am going to shower, read over some more Mythology then go to bed. I just hope I am ready for that test tomorrow!

Love Always,

Rachael

January 31, 2013

Dear Friend,

I hate tests! Like seriously I hate them with a burning passion. I am not good at them, I panic about them beforehand, and I always feel uneasy about taking them. In case you couldn’t guess, I have a test tomorrow. We have had 4 classes for Mythology and she already wants to test us. We have only read 3 chapters!!! How can she test us on that?!

So suffice to say, I am not relaxed at all right now. Instead I just spent an hour studying and I still have to skim over 3 chapters worth of information and try and re-read the Theogony by Hesiod before my class tomorrow at 9:30. I hope I can do okay on the test. All I really want is to pass, but it is the first test with this professor and I never know how that is going to go. I mean the way she explained the test there is so much that we need to do for this test and we only have 50 minutes to do it. I am not looking forward to it.

So today has been kind of crazy in an of itself. I had my normal class and work load, but then I also had to sit at the CAC table at the club fair for about 2 hours then I had to do VIRTUS training. Now this is basically training for anyone working in a Diocese (meaning anything to do with the Catholic Church) to be aware of sexual abuse in children. What to look out for in the child and an adult who is a molester. It was depressing and angering and it kind of upset me a lot. I mean how could anyone think it was okay to befriend a child and then abuse their trust to feel powerful and then sexually abuse them. It just pisses me off so much, I can’t even handle it!

Now one thing that kind of scared me about this thing I went to was how I felt about the actual idea of sexual abuse. I honestly was kind of turned on by the idea not because I feel like we should exploit children like that, but the idea of being sexually assaulted (I don’t know if that is quite the term I want to use but its close) turned me on. This might be because of my want for submissive-ness, but I like the idea of being forced to do something. I think I have actually talked about this previously, but I honestly deep down kind of want to be raped. Is that wrong to want that? I mean I just want to be pushed around and dominated and forced and I don’t know. I feel kind of silly wanting this, but its what I want. I mean even right now just writing about being dominated turns me on. I just wish I understood these feelings a little bit more, because right now all I have is these hypothetical feelings and I don’t know what to do or anything. I’m just so confused!

Love Always,

Rachael