April 30, 2013

Dear Friend,

I’m not sure how I feel about today yet.

So I woke up with a not so happy stomach. I didn’t eat breakfast in the caf, instead I just toasted a bagel and took it on the road to eat with my own PB (I like crunchy and the PB in the caf is weird). So I ended up being able to eat it all over the course of a few hours, but my stomach still wasn’t the happiest. I had Orwell, where we kind of wrapped up 1984. Then I went to Brit Lit and we talked about I don’t know what because I was practically asleep. Then work was boring and exciting. Boring because it was uber quiet. Exciting because I ate my salad, a banana, and a bag of Doritos. It may not seem like much, but with my stomach the way it has been, I was happy. It was also exciting because Marcus and I talked. I kind of feel bad because there have been a few instance over this year that I have thought about suicide or cutting and since he is my friend and truly cares about me, he was upset and that upsets me. I don’t like that I upset him. In fact I hate it. It is a horrible feeling to see someone you love and care about upset over something in your life. And I know Marcus is going to read this and say that I shouldn’t be upset about it, but I still cannot help it, it is just how I am.

Then I went off to Film class, and we watched a hilarious movie called Bernie. It is based on the true story of Bernie Teide (I may have spelled that wrong). He was a funeral director and he liked to make nice with the widows. He became really close to one and she basically ended up controlling his life and he cracked and shot her. Then hit her body in a freezer and made it seem as though she was alive, but ill for 9 months. It is hilarious and dark and has Jack Black and Matthew McConaughey in it, so go see it!!!!!

Then I had my last Inclusive Education night class and handed in my final assignment for that class and am officially done with that class!!!!! And then I came back and finished editing my Mythology paper and submitted it via turnitin. And I think I might post it on here so if you want to read it feel free. I think a summer project for me might be to not only write the Epilogue to “Rewritten,” but also write this story as I wanted to, Hades as a Dom and Persephone as a sub. Also one of these days I am going to write a fan fic to Pride and Prejudice that is what happens after Lizzy and Darcy get together if they were to have a D/s relationship. Lots of things to write, not so much time to write it all!!!! Anyways, I am happy with my paper as is for a paper to hand in. I don’t think my professor would appreciate reading an explicit D/s twist on the Homeric Hymn to Demeter. Especially since I go to a Jesuit college. But that is besides the point.

Now it is almost midnight and I want to try and finishing writing this one journal for Orwell then I can go to bed.

Oh I almost forgot (how I did, I have no idea) my mistress charged me with caressing myself again while in the shower. This time I think I did better. I lathered up some soap and just stroked my body as I soaped myself up. I spent a lot of time on my breasts and nipples and just touched myself in different ways. It was nice. I got a little caught when it came to my stomach. See I gained a lot of weight before high school and I gained it fast so I got stretch marks on my stomach and it is hard to accept them and how my stomach actually looks because it is nowhere near flat. Then I got to my pelvic region and I don’t really know how to explain it, but it felt really good. I was just gently stroking to see where I liked being touched and it was arousing and soothing in a way. That may not make sense, but it does in my head. And I found a sensitive spot on the bottom of my foot and overall, I had fun exploring my body and touching myself and learning. I also learned that after I touch my nipples for a while and near my clit for a little bit, both places become very sensitive to the water from the shower…that was interesting.

Oh and I started a food journal. I will write down what I eat for a day then comment on how I felt when I ate things and how I felt overall. I learned I need to watch my protein intake (the woes of vegetarianism…and not feeling well).

Love Always,

Rachael

April 29, 2013

Dear Friend,

My day went from okay to bad to good to horrible. So it was okay during my classes and work and such. Then it got bad because I wasn’t feeling well (I had yogurt and granola for breakfast-that’s healthy!), but I still made it through my classes and tried to eat a salad for dinner but it didn’t sit well. So I went back to my room and wallowed and tried to eat some ramen so I ate something since the ramen and apple I ate for lunch.

But then I went to our CAC meeting and was elected president and chair for Relay which is really exciting! I am pretty happy about that and that is what made my day good.

Then it went downhill fast. Earlier today, my mistress gave me the directions to think of an erotic scenario and have it memorized in my head and then when I am settling down for the night, think about that and touch myself, my whole body and just relish in the touch. So I got this really good scenario in my head. It was basic, but still arousing. i would be tied up in spread eagle blindfolded and gagged and I would be teased by being caressed with a feather and told I couldn’t move or come or anything until I was allowed. I like that idea a lot and then when I went in the shower and started trying to caress myself, I just thought about how crappy I felt and how much I hate my body and I just wanted to curl up and die. And I feel as though I have failed her and I feel even more shitty about it and I kind of want to cry and I’m kind of overwhelmed and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. It’s not a fun time. But now I feel a little bit better because Katie, my Mistress just told me to ease myself into this. To take my time exploring and loving my body. That makes me feel better mainly because I’m not in a great place at the moment with the end of the semester and just my overall problems so I just need…time.

Sadly, I don’t have much of that at the moment. I just need to breath and let things happen as they are meant to. I think I can do this.

Love Always,

Rachael

April 9, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today has kind of been crappy. I wasn’t feeling all that great all day. I mean I wasn’t feeling sick, just not fantastic. I seriously need to have less of these crappy days. I feel like that is all I ever freaking write about anymore. Anyways.

It was a Tuesday so it was bound to suck. But I made it through. I finished my rewrite for my Brit Lit paper and I think it was a lot better. And I got all my homework in for the day so that was good.

Something really exciting did happen today though! So I emailed my Milton professor about what I will be doing next semester and she is super excited about it! She will be teaching Milton again next fall while I am writing my music and so she asked me to come in to her class and talk about it and maybe even share some of the music. This is very exciting because I love talking about something I am passionate about and this is it. I mean I love the poem Il Penseroso by Milton and I just love being able to take his words and make them music. I mean its just a great feeling, so being able to talk to people about it would be fantastic.

One thing that really bothered me was my Education class today. In this class, we are supposed to be talking about how to adapt our classroom for students with learning disabilities or just struggling learners. Great, awesome, good stuff we are learning. Except we aren’t really learning it. I mean in theory we are, but whenever we have discussions it is about what we were like in school and what we expect and both of those things are the good students who will grasp these things real easily. We don’t talk about the students who will not be able to grasp the concepts and the teacher tries, but no one is willing to let go of the fact that very few of our students are going to be able to grasp some of the things we want to teach them right away if at all. It is just annoying.

Anyways, I don’t feel like talking any more and I have some Oedipus Rex for Mythology tomorrow. Good Night!

Love Always,

Rachael

April 5, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today has been a very busy day. I had class and work like normal, but then I had to go on a road trip this afternoon. We are now in (mphpmph) NY for mphmph organization’s convention. For me, it wasn’t that long of a drive, but I still got car sick. I only get car sick on very few occasions. Today was one of them. So I felt crappy the whole way here. Then I felt better and ate something. I don’t think I ate enough because I got a headache and started feeling crappy again during the meeting. So not fun. And our supervisor is pregnant so she is sick all the time. I don’t do well with throw up so I won’t talk about that.

Anyways. Today’s meeting was initiation and the retiring of the current head honchos. It is a very emotional time. Especially since this organization is our sister organization so seeing it is amazing and scary. Amazing because they do really cool stuff that we don’t. Scary because initiation is just like the majority degree which is basically the bye-bye to all the girls who are 21 which is me in about a month. And I don’t know if I am ready for that. I don’t want to be done with Triangle, but I am also so ready to be done.

Ok, I am going to stop now because both my roomies are asleep and my typing is loud. Good Night.

Love Always,

Rachael

March 22, 2013

Dear Friend,

I am not feeling well at all. My head is killing me and my stomach is so fucked up. I just thought I would post to say hi, since I did promise to post everyday. Now I am going to try and live through the pain and go to sleep. Goodnight

Love Always,

Rachael

March 5, 2013

Dear Friend,

So very tired. That is what I am today. So tired. I legitimately almost fell asleep reading earlier today at my practicum sight. It was not good. So I am going to bed early tonight, like probably as soon as I finish this and its only 10. But I don’t care, I am exhausted.

I did go to the Doctor’s today and learned I have an upper-respiratory infection. Thank you college health center for telling me nothing was wrong with me and it could be allergies when I had an infection. So I have been dealing with a horrendous cough that could have been solved about a week ago with a nice z-pack (the five day antibiotic). As I think I wrote  before, I was treated crappily at my school’s Health Center and got told it was probably my allergies and here is some cough medicine (which didn’t help at all). Fun times.

One thing that I really hate is when people assume they know you and know what is best for you when they really don’t. I mean like with my teacher, she is trying to tell me that they really need Special Ed teachers and that I am perfect for it. Well no shit, that’s why I said I was going into Special Ed, because I want to and I know I will be good at it. It’s just like if you really want to look out for me, just let me be. I just feel so much pressure being back there again. It is stifling and suffocating to be there where they have all these expectations for me and the students who are there now. No wonder why I barely remember my time at that school. It was hell for me. I mean I was just expected to excel all the time and it was ridiculous the standards they held us to and even now the standards the students are held to is ridiculous.

And I am falling asleep typing. Good night.

Love Always,

Rachael

March 4, 2013

Dear Friend,

Fumbling is a part of this whole exploring yourself thing right? Because I seriously have no fucking clue what the hell I am doing when in comes to actually masturbating. I think part of it is that I was to get off, like there is that bit in me that wants sexual release, but there is also a part of me that doesn’t want to do it to myself. I don’t really know though. I mean right now it is just frustrating because I am not the most patient person in the world and its not that I expect to have an orgasm after five minutes, but I would like to feel more pleasure than I have been after 20 minutes. Which begs the question: Am I masturbating right? Although is there even a “right” way to masturbate? I am going to go with no, but even still I don’t really get much pleasure out of what I do to myself. I mean I do, but not a lot a lot of pleasure. I am making no sense. Anyways, last night.

So as you saw in my post last night, I got batteries finally. So I started using my vibrator (lube btw is very messy and kinda sticky and bothersome because it seems to get EVERYWHERE!) and I just kind of had it on and was just kind of moving it around down there and trying to find a spot that sent pleasure through me. I think I may have found it. I mean I don’t even know if I can honestly find my clit with my eyes, let alone just by seeing if I get shockwaves of pleasure when the vibrator hits it. And it makes me feel stupid because I am so frickin clueless about my own fucking body!!! I mean what does that say about me?! I don’t even understand my body at all! I feel like it is my body, I should understand it right?! Or is this normal, but I am just extremely late in the game of figuring it all out. Who knows maybe I am just a late bloomer in the world of sexual discovery. I mean I am a 20 (2 months away from being a 21) year old virgin with no prospects or any way that is going to change. Maybe this is all due to the fact that I was raised Catholic and masturbation was a sin when I was younger. I didn’t even know how to masturbate (in the general sense) until I was probably a junior or senior in high school. And in my high school, most people were having sex by then and I was just figuring out what masturbation was and was not even close to actually doing it.

So yeah, last night didn’t work out like I had hoped. I didn’t have an orgasm and I didn’t really enjoy it all that much. I think part of it was not being turned on. I mean I tried to read a story, but it sucked so it did nothing for me so I just tried using my toys to turn me on. Nothing worked so maybe tonight it will work because I can tell you I am wet right now. We shall see.

On another note, I started my practicum today. I am observing my old 6-8 English teacher at my old school. It’s interesting. I mean its weird because she is teaching the same content the same way (almost verbatim) as she did when I was her student 7 years ago. She treats the students the same, she has them read the same books. I mean it is just a tired routine (Granted she is retiring at the end of the year). And of course all the teachers know me because they had me and when I was there I was the angel that could do no wrong and I still am in their eyes. It is kind of annoying.

One upside was that I met 2 sixth grade girls who like Doctor Who. It is every exciting and quite awesome because Doctor Who is an awesome show.

Oh and my cough is getting worse. So I am going to the Doctor tomorrow and will hopefully get something for my cough, new inhaler prescription, and get some input on my stomach issues.

Love Always,

Rachael

March 3, 2013

Dear Friend,

Guess who got batteries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This girl!!!! And I will probably be using my new vibrator tonight!!! So much excitement!

Anyways, today was a long day. We left around 9:30 and didn’t get home until about 4. We were driving the whole time. Sitting in a car for that many hours gets boring. I kept on trying to think about different things that I need to be thinking about, but for some reason my mind kept going blank.

That is something I have noticed about myself. Sometimes, when there is nothing going on, and it would seem logical to be thinking about certain things, my mind goes blank. I just stop thinking. So that is what happened during the car ride. I just listened to my music and watched the greenery (well covered in white) pass by.

So we got home and I finally got my package that had Perks of Being a Wallflower (movie), the new Silverstein CD and the Of Monsters and Men CD. I was so extremely happy. Silverstein is one of my favorite bands so I was excited about that. I recently found the Swedish (Finnish? I’m not quite sure) band Of Monsters and Men so I got their CD. They are fantastic by the way. Then as you probably know, I love Perks of Being a Wallflower, so I was ecstatic when I got home and found it on my bed. And as soon as I was relatively settled, I watched Perks. It was better than the first time. So wonderful and awkward. 🙂

Now I am fighting off coughing attacks and waiting until more people go to bed so I can play. 🙂 Although, what sucks right now is that along with my coughing fits, I also have a bit of a stomach ache. Now it might be because I ate too much for dinner or it might be that the leftovers from my dinner last night went bad. Either way, I hope I feel good enough to play because I have had this vibrator for a while and I haven’t been able to use it yet!!!! Ugh it is so frustrating, especially with being sick so often I haven’t been able to get off.

Oh well, the night is still relatively young. Let’s see what happens. 🙂

Love Always,

Rachael

March 2, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today has been a full day. So I realized I have never told you about the youth organization I am in. I decided I would tell you it is called Triangle (I think I decided this a few posts ago, I was tired of calling it my youth organization). So within Triangle, I am what we call a Junior Adviser and I am also the head of the Junior Advisers so I had a bit of work to do this weekend.

Every 6 months or so, we meet up. This is all the Senior Advisers and all the Junior Advisers. So we meet up and we plan things for all the Triangles to do throughout the year and such. This meeting was all about our State Convention in October. The Junior Advisers are in charge of all the competitions and a bunch of other things for the weekend so today we were picking things and deciding on things and all that stuff. So we started our big meeting at 9:30 then the JAs split up into our meeting around 10:30. We sort of worked around eating pizza and were not done until about 3. It was a very long meeting and it was tiring.

I have no voice. (yes this is related to what I was just talking about) As the Junior Council Chairman, I ran our meeting so I had to do a lot of talking today and I have no voice. It sucks especially because my voice either comes out whispery soft or really low and raspy (think pubescent boy) and everyone laughs. Not fun.

But we got a lot of stuff done and we have so many ideas for Convention I am so excited.

So apparently I didn’t have that much to talk about today. Nothing is really on my mind. Although sadly I have not been able to read my blogs from yesterday or today because they aren’t Triangle appropriate and I don’t want anyone to see what I am reading because of that. Otherwise I would probably have something to write based on what Nate is writing about. He always seems to inspire some pondering for me.

Love Always,

Rachael

February 28, 2013

Dear Friend,

So I fell a lot better today. I wasn’t nauseous most of the day which was good. I went to all my classes and made it through work. I also picked which apartment my friends are I are living in next year.

Oh I didn’t mention that! Housing is done! So as I have mentioned before, we have some really nice apartments and my 2 friends and I got into the View which is where we wanted to be because it is close to campus and it is meant for 3 people in each apartment. So we got it! Sadly we were the last ones to get a View apartment so we are stuck in a second floor apartment over the RA. This sucks, but it isn’t too bad because we don’t do much and we aren’t partiers so it isn’t too big of a deal.

So I had a pretty okay day although I forgot to call the Health Center about my insurance stuff, but hopefully I will remember to do it tomorrow morning. I also need to pack, although I still don’t know what time I will be leaving tomorrow because my mother still hasn’t called me to let me know. Fun times.

And now I am procrastinating. I need to write (well really type) out the Agenda for the Council meeting I have this weekend, write two more journals for my Orwell class, pack and try and edit my Lesson Plan for my Literacy class. So I have a lot to do and not a ton of time to do it. But I think I have enough time to do it all. I got this!

So I honestly don’t have much to talk about. I am just gonna go and finish this episode of Life, shower and finish all this work!

Love Always,

Rachael