February 28, 2013

Dear Friend,

So I fell a lot better today. I wasn’t nauseous most of the day which was good. I went to all my classes and made it through work. I also picked which apartment my friends are I are living in next year.

Oh I didn’t mention that! Housing is done! So as I have mentioned before, we have some really nice apartments and my 2 friends and I got into the View which is where we wanted to be because it is close to campus and it is meant for 3 people in each apartment. So we got it! Sadly we were the last ones to get a View apartment so we are stuck in a second floor apartment over the RA. This sucks, but it isn’t too bad because we don’t do much and we aren’t partiers so it isn’t too big of a deal.

So I had a pretty okay day although I forgot to call the Health Center about my insurance stuff, but hopefully I will remember to do it tomorrow morning. I also need to pack, although I still don’t know what time I will be leaving tomorrow because my mother still hasn’t called me to let me know. Fun times.

And now I am procrastinating. I need to write (well really type) out the Agenda for the Council meeting I have this weekend, write two more journals for my Orwell class, pack and try and edit my Lesson Plan for my Literacy class. So I have a lot to do and not a ton of time to do it. But I think I have enough time to do it all. I got this!

So I honestly don’t have much to talk about. I am just gonna go and finish this episode of Life, shower and finish all this work!

Love Always,

Rachael

February 27, 2013

Dear Friend,

I still didn’t get up to do much today. I couldn’t make it to my classes today mainly because I couldn’t sit upright long enough. I did however go to work for an hour (I was only scheduled to work an hour so it was my whole shift) and go to a CAC meeting for a half hour.

So my life is boring. I have basically been watching “Life” and coughing…a lot. It has sucked. And my nausea has still not gone away. Not fun at all. The medicine they gave me is not helping at all, except maybe making me cough a little bit less. But I just talked to my mom and she is making me an appointment with our doctor at home which will be good because I can get whatever this is looked at and maybe talk to my doctor about my stomach issues.

Since I don’t have anything of importance to talk about, Nate over at Speaking Out on Sex asked the question of what is the difference between having sex, fucking, and making love? Now I have no idea how well this is going to go if I answer the question as I have never had sex, but I have read plenty of sex stories and have a lot of ideas in my head. So I am going to try.

Having Sex: I think having sex kind of encompasses every type of sex. If you participate in the sex act, no matter the emotion attached to it, that is having sex. But then again, I feel as though having sex may be something that is done without much emotion. It seems as though it can just be a one night stand.

Fucking: Raw, harsh, sloppy sex. Just straight up sex. It can be hard or fast, or both. No matter what I think fucking is filled with lust. There is just this need to have sex with the other person. I feel like there has to be this aspect of fucking that is just raw lust and need and urgency and sex.

Making Love: This is passionate and careful and full of love and emotion. This is doing something simply to give pleasure to your significant other. There is this moment where you share pure emotions with each other and that is what makes it special.

Now of course, I am just guessing and using my experience with stories and my own feelings and ideas. I could be completely wrong or I could be romanticizing it. Who knows? But dear readers…what do you think? Tell me what you think having sex, fucking, and making love mean in the comments. I would totally appreciate it.

Love Always,

Rachael

February 26, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today has been horrible. I went down to the Health Center almost as soon as I woke up. I learned the PA (because apparently we can’t even have doctors treat us here) is a bitch and treats everyone like an idiotic child, but the nurses and desk peeps are super sweet. So I went down because I have a sore throat, nausea, and I can feel flegm dripping down my throat. So the nurse is really nice and sympathetic to how I am feeling and takes my temp twice just to make sure I don’t have a fever because I feel feverish. Then the PA comes in and basically tells me nothing is wrong with me. There isn’t much build up on my throat and there doesn’t seem to be any infection and even though I told her I don’t have allergies, she gave me antihystamins. Whatever. The really horrible part came when she had to take a throat culture. I don’t do well with things in my mouth or throat (please don’t make that dirty its not) and I have never had to have a throat culture done. Every time I have had strep, I had it already by the time I went to the doctor so it was never necessary. I was not prepared for the throat culture. So when she is done, I am kind of freaking out because I wasn’t expecting it and I am sick and not fun. Then to make it even worse, she makes a joke that I am like the little kids they get in the ER who need nurses to hold them down to get a culture. Wow thank you for making me feel even more childish than I already do. Then since they did a throat culture they need my insurance info and we just switched insurance because of my dad’s job so I had to call and wake up my brother after the PA yelled at me because I didn’t have the insurance info. So here I am, alone, scared, sick, and stressed in the Health Center and I start breaking down.

I hate crying. I especially hate crying when people can see me. I don’t like to show how weak I am. So I tried to control it and I made it out of there without anyone really seeing, I think. So I walked back up to my dorm and was basically crying all the way, but only really sniffling and tearing up. Then, as soon as I got in my room I collapsed on my bed and just sobbed for a good 15 minutes. It was horrible. I felt like shit and crying did not help my headache. And all I got out of that horrid experience was some cough medicine with a decongestant and some anti-hystamins. (I have no idea how to spell that correctly)

I did however skip all my classes today. I just couldn’t do it. I needed a day. So I took one. I laid in bed all day and watched a TV show on Netflix and am rereading a story about a girl who is kind of like me, she finds sex stories online and slowly becomes amazed by BDSM and meets a guy online and it just kind of shows what she goes through as she learns what she wants and needs. It is a pretty good story, which is why I am rereading it.

And now I think I will try and eat something and probably head to bed early. Hopefully I can make it to my classes tomorrow…hopefully.

Love Always,

Rachael

February 25, 2013

Dear Friend,

I’m at the end of my leash. I am so exhausted and so stressed and I don’t feel well and I just want to cry and I am crying right now. I just I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I just have so much to do and I don’t have any motivation mainly because I am so exhausted and I think I’m getting another kind of sickness (this time my throat hurts non stop and everything tastes funky) and there is just so much to do and so many people are expecting me to succeed in everything I just don’t have the will to do anything and I don’t cry like this. I hate this because I suck at crying even when I’m sobbing I get control every 5 seconds and then a minute later I’m bursting into tears and blubbering then I’m fine then it starts all over again and I just I don’t know how to handle it.

I didn’t even have that horrible of a day its just that I can’t eat because everything tastes weird and my friend keeps on harping on about me needing to eat and its just making me more stressed about the fact that I am not healthy. I am not okay and I know that I don’t need some one to keep reminding me of that. And its just like she tries to make it better by reminding me but it makes it so much worse because I don’ t like to disappoint people and she just looks so disappointed in me whenever I don’t eat at a meal or only pick at my food and even when I do eat she seems disappointed. I just don’t know how to please her. I don’t even know how to make myself happy.

And then I tried to work on Triangle stuff (that’s the youth group, I decided I just needed to name it) and I tried starting a google+ hangout but my computer can’t download the plug-in that is apparently needed and I just freaked out about it and now I am dizzy.

I seriously hate my life right now. I have this sick feeling in my stomach because I have a horrible taste in my throat that reaches my stomach and everything is spinning and I have a headache and I don’t know what to do and I just want to be held and forget the world but I can’t and I am supposed to be on break next week but it won’t even be a break because I have so much work to do and I will be doing my practicum during break so I just. I just need to stop and breath but life keeps on getting in the way.

I just don’t know what to do. I just want all this pain in my life to end. I just want it all to end.

Love Always,

Rachael

February 24, 2013

Dear Friend,

I am just going to do a quick recap of today then I will answer the questions that Nate posed to me yesterday. So I am sore, like really sore. I blame Relay. We had a stage and since I was in charge of entertainment, I was MC so I had to get up and down from the stage all night. The stage was about 3 feet high. We had no stairs. Not a fun time. Besides that, my stomach finally started feeling better and I ate an actual dinner (breakfast was chamomile tea and a dry bagel toasted…yummy). I worked and did homework. Nothing exciting at all.

So now someone posed these questions to Nate over at Speaking Out on Sex and he answered them in this post. And at the end, he asked me a few others to answer the questions as well. So here goes.

Where were you born?

Now I thought about this and at first I wasn’t going to answer because this blog is anonymous, but I thought why not? I don’t think I know anyone here so why does it matter? I was born at a hospital in Buffalo, NY.

Were you named after someone?

My middle name is my aunt’s name, but I think that was coincidence. My first name is actually a funny story. My mom wanted to name me Rachael, but my brothers wanted to keep all of our names starting with the letter J so they named me Jessica. So that is a funny story.

If you have children, how many do you have?

I do not have any. Nor do I know if I want any.

How many pets do you have?

None at the moment. I had a fish, but he died recently.

Your worst injury?

Probably my stitches. I am a very messy person and when I was little I would leave my dresser drawers open (I have no idea why) and one time I tripped and fell and hit my head on the corner of one of my dresser drawers. I was about 10 and had to get five stitches in my forehead. It was not fun. I was going to camp that summer and wasn’t allowed to swim. Not a fun time.

Do you have a special talent?

I have no idea. None of the things I am good at would I categorize as special. Although I do play a mean bari sax.

What’s your favorite thing to bake?

I don’t know. I don’t do a lot of baking, but everything I do make is fun. I like mixing things with my hands. Although I have to admit I prefer the eating rather than the actual baking.

Favorite fast food?

Not a big fast food person, but I do love Burger King fries. Other than that, when I go to fast food places, I tend to get salads because everything else grosses me out. It is so frickin unhealthy!

Would you bungee jump?

I don’t think so. I am terrified of heights so I don’t think I could ever bungee jump.

What is the first thing you notice about people?

I have no idea. Usually what their facial expression is because I am always afraid of offending people.

When was the last time you cried?

A few days ago when I saw a bunch of girls (and a guy) with Down Syndrome cheer on my school’s basketball team. They were so wonderful and they just made me cry.

Any current worries?

Ummm general school stresses, not getting my practicum placement so I can work on it on spring break next week. My health is always a worry. No huge worries anymore now that Relay is done.

Name 3 drinks that you drink regularly?

Water, Chai tea, Green tea

What’s you favorite book?

I have no frickin clue. I read so much and enjoy almost all of my books. I don’t think I could ever pick just one book that is my favorite. Although I have to say I love Brave New World. It is definitely the first one that comes to mind so I guess it is my favorite.

Would you like to be a pirate?

I don’t know. I think I like vegetables too much to want to live on a ship and not eat very healthily.

Favorite smells?

I love sweet pea, the way Marcus smells, the frozen smell in the winter, and the smell just after it rains in the fall (dirt and leaves).

Why do you blog?

Originally it was a way for me to help myself not be depressed, but it has been something that I like to do. I think it still helps me because I am constantly talking about all my ups and downs and just working through things really helps me.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Ummmmm Save your Scissors by City and Colour because that will forever be my favorite song, no matter how much new music I find. It has always been the song that has helped me through the toughest times.

What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

My pessimism. I always seem to see the worst in almost every situation.

Favorite hobby?

Reading.

What do you look for in a friend?

I look for someone who makes me think. Someone who will listen to me bitch but also lets me listen to them bitch. Someone I can dance around in my PJs to 90s tunes with. Someone who I can let go with.

Name something you’ve done that you never thought you’d do?

Buy a vibrator.

Favorite fun things to do?

Read, write, swim, curl up with my friends and watch movies, teach.

Any pet peeves?

Yes! A lot. I hate when people try to make their lives a contest, I hate when people don’t leave things the way they were before they touched them. I don’t know general human stupidity is annoying too.

What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

This. I don’t know if anyone will get that, but it is hilarious if you have seen Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV show not the movie, M. Night Shyamalan pissed off a lot of Airbender fans when he made that movie).

So there you have it peeps. Now I must finish some more homework and get to bed! Night!

Love Always,

Rachael

February 23, 2013

Dear Friend,

So if you saw my last post, you will see that I was not coherent at all and that was at 11 this morning. I was not coherent enough to even post what I did at 11 when I got back to my room at 7:30 this morning. I started becoming incoherent around 3 this morning. So even though I am exhausted and sore, Relay for Life was amazing. We made over $14,000 for the American Cancer Society. While we didn’t make as much as last year, but you know what? We made money to help the fight against cancer so that is good in my book.

Relay was INSANE!!!!! I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I got down to the Rec Center around 2:30 and started setting up right away. Then I didn’t really stop going until I got back at 7:30 and at that point I had been up for 24 hours with only a few hours of sleep the night before. But it was worth it. There were problems with the performers and trying to stay on schedule and drama with some of the performers, but all of them sounded fantastic! It was stressful and tiring and wonderful. All the people who were there said they had a fantastic time and even though we only made it halfway to our goal, we still helped.

We were actually on TV too! The local news channel was there and they filmed people walking and did an interview with my Event Chair and I. So I was on TV! Talking about why I Relay and why this event is such a huge deal.

It is such an amazing feeling to do something like this and actually make a difference. I mean who can say that they made a difference in the life of someone who needs it. Granted a lot of people, but still, you know what I mean.

So now I am exhausted, but I feel good. All I have done today is sleep, try to eat, and watch movies. I started not feeling well around 6:30. We were cleaning up and I just started feeling like shit. I was tired, I had been eating crap all night, and I was stressed so my stomach just started yelling at me and is still yelling at me. I haven’t been able to eat much all day, but I am trying.

So in closing, I will just add that Nate asked me to answer some questions that he was asked and I thought I would make that its own blog post so probably tomorrow, my post will be me answering those questions. For now, goodnight

Love Always,

Rachael

February 22, 2013

Dear Friend,
Relay is over I need sleep goodnight.
Love Always,
Rachael

February 21, 2013

Dear Friend,

RELAY FOR LIFE IS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am officially freaking out. But, I think I have all the sound issues solved and all the performers have told me they are good with the time they are playing at except one, but that is one whole group of students so its all good, but I think we are all set. I talked to the sound guy today and he is all excited and he is super nice so that is good. And I am starting to get excited!!!

The sad part about all of this is the lack of support I am getting from my friends. Now I am friends with a lot of peeps in theater and music here at school so I always make a point to go to their concerts and plays if they are in them or have done something for them. I like to show them I support them and what they did. I mean they put a lot of work into this and I want to show them that I care about that. And I have put in so much time and energy to Relay for Life this year. I mean I have spent all my free time doing things for Relay. And only some of my friends are going. Some people I mention it too just shrug and say they aren’t going, some say its too much money (registration was $10 until 2 weeks ago, now it is $20) when all the money they spend goes right to the American Cancer Society and that money goes to the many programs the ACS has that supports the fighters and to the many labs they fund who are looking for a cure for cancer. So what I really want to know is why my friends can’t spare any time on their Friday night (when they have no other plans) or a couple of bucks to not only support me and see where all my hard work has gone, but also to support a fantastic cause. I mean seriously?! I have poured my heart into this night because I care about this cause and you can’t spend any time or money on it?!

I should probably tell you why I am so gung ho about this charity. Cancer affects everyone. You cannot tell me you do not know anyone who has/had cancer. I bet you everyone knows, at least distantly, someone who has been affected by this horrible disease. So my link to cancer is a long list of many people. I have the survivors: both of my grandmothers, my Aunt Joyce (all three survived Breast Cancer), a few family friends by the names of Aunt Rie and Grandma Nancy, and a little boy from my old church, Simon. I also have the ones I’ve lost: my aunt Sandy and her husband. So for me cancer is a disease I want to see gone. Even though I have never lost anyone close to me due to cancer, it has still been an ever present reminder that someone could die from it (Aunt Rie is just in remission). Even with the survivors, there is a chance that the cancer could come back. So I want to try and make it so that doesn’t happen. Back home we do a fundraiser called “Goin Bald for Bucks” and all the money raised goes to a cancer hospital in the city. I shaved my head twice for that fundraiser (my mom did it with me the second time see photo) 

So yeah. Any charity that has to do with cancer is a big deal to me. I am there trying to make it so we live in a world without cancer because it sucks.

Oh and back to the fact that none of my friends will come to Relay, our generation has become complacent. No one is willing to rebel and stand up for what they think. Well a few do, but not that many. What happened to the days of protesting the Vietnam War? Where did those people go? Why are we not out in the streets protesting the war and unemployment and all the shitty things in this world?! We have become fine with our lives, but our lives aren’t perfect so why are we just accepting it?!

Okay my rant is over. Now I am going to sleep.

Oh and I will not be able to post tomorrow night because I will be at Relay so I think what I will do is post after Relay is over (at like 6 am) and that will be my post for the 22nd and then I will post Saturday evening for my post on the 23rd.

Love Always,

Rachael

February 20, 2013

Dear Friend,

Sometimes I wonder about people. So today I found out that a young girl I know might have been faking her pregnancy. Now I belong to a youth organization that is meant to foster girls to become women, not just any women, but proper and polite and awesome females. So it came as a surprise to find out that one of my girls who has been in this organization for a very long time had gotten pregnant (this is part in parcel with not having sex before marriage in all its archaic glory). What became an even bigger surprise was to find out today (apparently the day for her c-section) that she was faking her pregnancy the whole time. And guess what her reason was…if you guessed to have her boyfriend stay? Then you would be correct! I mean seriously?! When has that ever worked out? Was she hoping she would actually get pregnant so that she wouldn’t have to lie? i don’t know! I just don’t understand how someone could be so desperate (and have so much time on their hands) that they would fake a pregnancy to make a guy stay with them. Especially since my youth organization is supposed to foster strong young women who can stand on their own two feet and excel at anything they put their mind to. I just don’t understand!

So besides that wonderful news, today has been crazy. How surprising that my life is crazy. So I sort of finalized the schedule for performers at Relay. I hope. But now I don’t know if we will have everything we need for all the performers (like amps and a keyboard…urgh) So I am just kind of like I hate myself for saying I would do this!!!! So now I have to talk to the guy who is doing sound to see what he has for sound stuff and what we have access too because apparently one band doesn’t have amps, mics, a keyboard, or a drum set because they need all of that from us. Not helpful at all because seriously?! What band doesn’t have their own keyboard and drum set?!?!?! Or amps!!!! But I will figure it out!

But besides the stress of Relay, I am really excited for it! I mean it is for such a good fundraiser. Speaking of which. Our American Cancer Society rep brought up a great idea, have your Facebook status as every time someone likes my status I will donate 10 cents to Relay. I am now up to 66 likes so I owe $6.60 to Relay, but if it isn’t too much I might say 20 or 50 cents instead so I donate more. I don’t know yet. I just can’t wait until Relay. I think if everything works out like we want them, the night is going to be a great one. I hope. 🙂

Love Always,

Rachael

February 19, 2013

Dear Friend,

I am so frickin tired. And I honestly don’t feel well. I am blaming both things on stress. When I am stressed, I don’t sleep well (my brain tends to not want to shut off and I just keep on thinking and thinking) which is why I am tired. Also when I am stressed, my stomach gets worse and better. I know it is confusing, but sometimes my stomach will hurt and I will feel crappy and I can’t eat anything, then my stomach will be fine and I will eat lots of crap that is not good for me because I am stress eating. Then I will be sick again. It is a horrible cycle, but I am trying to get better. Hopefully I will figure out what it up with my stomach. I think it might be Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which if it is, I just have to watch what I eat because there isn’t much you can do about IBS.

So anyways enough about my declining health at the age of 20…

I was just taking a break from studying for my Mythology test tomorrow and read a short fic about Stiles from Teen Wolf getting a tattoo and shenanigans and it made me think about how I want to get a tattoo. Now this is for reals. I want a tattoo really bad, but I can’t get it until I am done with my youth leadership position because it is visible with what I wear for events and it is not appropriate to have a tattoo (at least in they eyes of my youth leaders). So what I want to get is this: It means a lot to me because I love music and music has had a huge impact on how I live my life. In some ways, I think it is one of the few reasons I am still alive today. If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will see I was not in a good place when I began my blog. I was depressed and suicidal. I thought about killing myself almost every day and I just wanted the pain and paranoia to end. But I survived a few months ago and I survived high school. Mostly because music was my saving grace. Anyways, I want to get that tattoo on my left shoulder. I also want to get a tattoo of a little star on my left wrist near the pulse point. I don’t know why, I just do. For right now, those are the only tattoos I want, but I have a feeling I will be getting a few tattoos in my life.

So today was another boring day. I had class and work and almost fell asleep in 3 out of my 4 classes. And I actually tried to go to bed relatively early last night, but my stomach was all ooky and I felt like crap and I couldn’t sleep so I fell asleep around 2 and woke up at 7:30. So now I am going to shower, read over some more Mythology then go to bed. I just hope I am ready for that test tomorrow!

Love Always,

Rachael