The End

Dear Friend,

I have realized that sharing my blog with certain people has made my life harder. I have since decided to start a completely new blog. This one will remain more anonymous than I have been with this one. I thought I could write what I wanted about who I wanted, but apparently I was wrong. If you are true followers of me then please feel free to comment on this post (I have to approve it before it is seen so no worries) with your email and I will send you the new link. I will go through and find the blogs I like to follow and follow them on the new blog also. I just don’t want to deal with people telling me I need to take down my blog because I talk about them in a negative way even though it is my life and my blog.

Thank you to all who have supported me, I hope you will support me with the move. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Love Always,

Rachael

Advertisements

May 12, 2013

Dear Friend,

Shit hit the fan again today. Holy Shit did it hit the fan.

So Marcus sent an email to Elise about all the shit that happened on Wednesday treating me like a child who couldn’t deal with someone saying anything about me. So he basically says that he cannot be friends with her again and he can’t forgive her for hurting his friends (which is bull shit) and so much other shit and it pissed me off. And he is just being so stupid and burying everything and not actually dealing with the issues which he seems to be really good at because he just likes to pretend the bad things aren’t actually happening and pretend that life is okay. He just buries everything and that is not healthy because everything comes to light and now I am really regretting letting him read this blog because I just I don’t know. I just want my life to be less complicated. And I have a final tomorrow! AUGH I can’t deal with this shit when I have a test on Mythology tomorrow with 2 full length essays TWO!!!!!!

I just want everyone to admit that they made a mistake (because Kate, Elise, and Marcus all made mistakes and rumors spread on accident and gossip snowballed and the truth disappeared) and just forgive each other for all this shit. We are all human we need to admit that we all make mistakes. Yes Elise has had a bit of looser lips since dating Jake and yes Marcus over-reacted and freaked out. And yes neither of them went to the other person and got the full story. So yes they both made a mistake and they just need to grow a pair and get over it.

Oh and don’t even get me started on the conversation I had with Marcus after I saw the email (he bccd me). He honestly doesn’t think he did anything in the wrong and he just assumes that everything is okay between us and it isn’t and he is treating me like a child. I am 21 years old for Christ’s sake I can take care of myself. And it has gotten worse since coming out as a sub to him. It’s like he assumes I am going to break at anything that might bother me. Or maybe that is part of reading my blog. He thinks that because I thought about committing suicide and used to cut anything that upsets me is going to send me over the edge. It isn’t! You got that Marcus!?!?! I am not some child and I am not some broken fragile thing. I am a strong woman who can stand up for herself and can overcome all the shit I have been through. I don’t need someone who doesn’t completely understand me to try and tell me what is best for me! All I am feeling from him is pity and I don’t want anyone’s damn pity!!!! I want to be looked at as the strong person I am. I want someone to care for me enough that they can see when I need a hug and can see when I am okay and strong enough to stand up for myself. Thank you very much.

Ugh I am just so pissed and I have a final in about 9 hours and I need to get up in less than 7 and I still need to read over my notes again. That’s like 40 pages of notes. Ugh. What a way to end Mother’s Day.

So if you are a Mother, mad props to you. You are all amazing because you are a mother. So thank you for all that you do as mothers. you all rock!

Love Always,

Rachael

May 11, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today I spent basically the whole day writing this damn paper. I mean the topic was easy and I liked the essay I was writing, I am just so tired of writing at this point that I didn’t want to sit down and write the damn thing. But it is finished…ish. I just need to look it over and hand it in on Monday. I am pretty happy with the way it turned out too. I mean it was fun writing about the invisible people that Orwell saw and wrote about. I really liked that about his writings. He was always rooting for the underdog and that is just freaking awesome. I mean we should all look for the invisible people. Those people who do the manual labour and make the world go round and are always around, but we never really see or pay attention to. We just pretend they aren’t there or sometimes not even notice them and take them for granted. Orwell is awesome like that, making you see the things that you don’t necessarily want to see.

Oh and you know how I was freaking out about telling my suite mates? Yeah, Dolores texted me the other day and said that she didn’t ask any questions because she doesn’t want to get uber intimate and such with me, but she will always be there to talk. It was nice to know, especially because I know that she cares a lot about me and will always be there for me no matter how much she pisses me off sometimes. I love that girl. 🙂

So I think I will leave it at that because I am tired and my wrist is bugging me again. Night. 🙂

Love Always,

Rachael

May 10, 2013

Dear Friend,

My life seems to be an endless bought of confusion. I don’t know which way is up or down anymore. Who is telling the truth, who I can trust…I have no idea.

I just don’t know what to believe. I just want it all to be done and over with. For no one to fight and everyone to be okay with each other.

Besides all this drama that has been happening, I have tried to work on a paper due Monday that I want to finish by tomorrow. It didn’t happen.

So now I am going to end this post and watch Dorian Grey and ignore the world for the night. I am tired and I am stressed and bleh…Good night.

Love Always,

Rachael

May 9, 2013

Dear Friend,

Another crazy day in life of me…fun times.

So I woke up and studied for my film  class because I had that exam at 3. So that was fun. As you know I have testing anxiety and so I was freaking out all day. I read and reread everything and freaked out and because I was studying I didn’t have time to shower, but I studied!

I took my exam at 3. It didn’t go horribly, but it was difficult and I didn’t know a bunch of the answers and in general I was a mess. I think I was maybe able to pull off a B, but that’s a big maybe. Then, I went to dinner and awkwardly was awkward about everything.

Marcus and I messed around a bit. So the shirt I wore today is a little low cut and kinda big so I guess it gaped open a bit so he texted me nice cleavage. And I sent him  a tongue out face. And then he sent “Now, that’s not what cleavage does, that’s what you do to it!” and I said oh my god there is no response for that and he said “No, I believe the correct response is ‘oh god yes'” and then I just didn’t respond. Instead I went and got curly fries and when I came back he stole a really curly one and I pouted and then sat down and he sent me “See you’ve got that pout, and then you bounce on your seat…” So yeah. That was fun…although I’m not completely sure what Marcus meant by that, but it was fun anyways.

Then I went to the library and did my research project for Education and that is all done and I came back and had grilled cheese (mozzarella and basil) for a floor program. It was delicious. 🙂 Then I sent a message to Elise.

So I don’t know who I believe anymore. Elise said she had just heard someone talking about how Marcus said the 4 day thing to me when we talked about sex and she was concerned but didn’t mention me. So I don’t know if I believe Elise or Marcus. I am just deciding that I don’t care what anyone is saying because no one knows the whole story unless I have told them or Marcus has and no one really believes that Marcus was soliciting me for sex so I don’t care.

I just need to focus on my last paper and my last two finals and I can breath and focus on everything else.

Also, I haven’t read any of the blogs I normally read, but I promise after this semester is over, I will go through and read all the posts I have been missing in the last week. This semester just needs to end and I can finally breath and think and be free. Just a few more days. I can do it. 🙂

Love Always,

Rachael

May 8, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today has been….interesting. So a lot has happened today. This morning, nothing really happened. Oh well yesterday there was a bit of drama when I went to bed. See my friend Elise started talking about Marcus and Kate and how they were apparently going on dates, but not dating and just lots of kind gossipy-ness. So then this morning Marcus came over to kind of decompress after a final because my room is closer to where he was taking his test and it was raining. And we talked about it a little bit and how Elise was talking about how Marcus made out with someone and we just kinda talked about things and how I was doing and how he was doing. Then between around 1 and like 4 some shit hit the fan. I don’t really know what happened. All I know is that Marcus came over after his 3:00 exam and said that Kate was pissed about Elise and then she texted Marcus saying that Elise was telling people that she (Kate) was a whore. So Marcus left and me and 2 of my suite mates kind of had a hashing out of what the hell was happening. It was a fun conversation.

Then we got to dinner and Elise was talking about how Kate had posted on Facebook about this drama and saying since everyone was so interested in what she was doing with her love life, she would tell everyone. So she did, very snarkily. And so Elise was pissed because of what Kate had posted because Kate also posted about Elise specifically and it was just idk. I missed a lot all I know is that apparently Elise was calling Kate a whore and talking about her relationship with Marcus and that Kate posted about it pissed and Elise was pissed. So Elise was bitching about it at dinner and it was annoying and frustrating. Then Marcus came and Elise was pissed and Marcus told me that Elise was telling people that he was soliciting me for sex. Now in case you don’t know what that means, which I think you all know what soliciting for sex means, but still. It means Marcus was offering to pay me for sex…WHAT?!?!?!

So suffice it to say I almost blew a fuse at dinner and just kind of freaked out and just kind of laughed hysterically. Then we left dinner and I couldn’t stop laughing and I had to sit down before we leave again, but I finally calmed down and made it back to our suite. So i told them about what happened with Marcus and I and talking about having sex and all that jazz so I could tell them about what Elise was saying. And then I realized that maybe I should tell them about the D/s thing…so I did. I told my three suite mates that I am a sub. And nothing happened. My one friend said that she didn’t really know much about it and didn’t care as long as I didn’t fuck goats. Then Dorothy said she has read enough fan fics that it doesn’t really matter, and then my roommate said that it didn’t really matter. While I love that none of them had a negative reaction, they didn’t really have any reaction. It was quite anti-climactic. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. But I am just happy that they aren’t judging me for it.

So after I told them we just kind of relaxed and drank a bit and watched LBD. Then we went to cram jam (food at 9 at night the week of exams) and saw that our group of friends were on two sides of the caf…fun times. So I sat with Kate and Marcus and peeps and we talked about how Elise was being a really crappy person and such. But in the end we decided to kind of let it cool down tonight and try and deal with stuff tomorrow or Friday. We just all need to relax and not freak out too much. I think we all need to talk about it all and not have a meltdown. I just need to process this because it is a lot to take in. For now…good night.

Love Always,

Rachael

May 7, 2013

Dear Friend,

Last night was fun. I drank so co and ginger ale which is so frickin delicious I can’t even. I love it 🙂 And we watched Mean Girls which is always fun.

Then today I woke up with a little bit of a headache and a little icky stomach, but then I showered and felt a lot better. Then I went to work. I finished up my projects from the semester and cleaned my desk and just did some last closing  up things for the semester because classes are now over!!!!!!! Speaking of which, I just have a final Thurs, a research project due Friday, a paper and a final on Monday, and a final Tues. So that isn’t too much work. I’m nervous for Thurs and Tues finals but Mon’s is just going to be long. I think I might be able to do the research project tomorrow if I spend the day in the library and then Thurs morning I can study for Film final then that afternoon I can start my Orwell paper and finish that my Saturday so that Sunday I can study for Myth then study Brit Lit Sunday and Monday and take it Tuesday and I will be done!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah I worked then did some research for said project. I have my articles, I just need to read them all and compile my information. It should be pretty easy. I am doing a multi-genre project where I am writing a front page newspaper article, a letter to the editor, and a comic of some sort about dyslexia and adaptive technology. I already know a bit about the subject so I just need to read the articles and bs my way through the project.

Then after that I went to the final for my friends in the Playwriting class. I performed one of the plays for my friend. It was fun although I’m not sure how I feel about the actual play…whatever. Now I am just relaxing and avoiding my homework. My wrist is really bothering me today. It just hurts a lot and I am tired of it hurting. I think I’m going to go to bed soon because I am very tired.

Yeah, not much to talk about today. Just feeling lonely and in want of a boyfriend again. I think it is because of my hormones and crap like that…fun times.

Love Always,

Rachael