February 25, 2013

Dear Friend,

I’m at the end of my leash. I am so exhausted and so stressed and I don’t feel well and I just want to cry and I am crying right now. I just I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I just have so much to do and I don’t have any motivation mainly because I am so exhausted and I think I’m getting another kind of sickness (this time my throat hurts non stop and everything tastes funky) and there is just so much to do and so many people are expecting me to succeed in everything I just don’t have the will to do anything and I don’t cry like this. I hate this because I suck at crying even when I’m sobbing I get control every 5 seconds and then a minute later I’m bursting into tears and blubbering then I’m fine then it starts all over again and I just I don’t know how to handle it.

I didn’t even have that horrible of a day its just that I can’t eat because everything tastes weird and my friend keeps on harping on about me needing to eat and its just making me more stressed about the fact that I am not healthy. I am not okay and I know that I don’t need some one to keep reminding me of that. And its just like she tries to make it better by reminding me but it makes it so much worse because I don’ t like to disappoint people and she just looks so disappointed in me whenever I don’t eat at a meal or only pick at my food and even when I do eat she seems disappointed. I just don’t know how to please her. I don’t even know how to make myself happy.

And then I tried to work on Triangle stuff (that’s the youth group, I decided I just needed to name it) and I tried starting a google+ hangout but my computer can’t download the plug-in that is apparently needed and I just freaked out about it and now I am dizzy.

I seriously hate my life right now. I have this sick feeling in my stomach because I have a horrible taste in my throat that reaches my stomach and everything is spinning and I have a headache and I don’t know what to do and I just want to be held and forget the world but I can’t and I am supposed to be on break next week but it won’t even be a break because I have so much work to do and I will be doing my practicum during break so I just. I just need to stop and breath but life keeps on getting in the way.

I just don’t know what to do. I just want all this pain in my life to end. I just want it all to end.

Love Always,

Rachael